This doesn't happen very often

One of the hardest things for me is to share my feelings about things that are really dear, sacred, or personal. Not that everyone should be telling the world, especially on their blogs, what it is they are always deeply feeling, but I think it comes easier to some. I get on my blog, attach a picture and write two sentences and call it good. I never go on and on about how much I adore my children or what they mean to me or how much I don't deserve the husband I have and what it is he means to me. Words on a public blog don't define who I am as a mother, wife or person. I actually have feelings and a heart (contrary to my mother and sister).

I am not writing this in defense of anything, or writing this in spite of someone or something. This is for me, trying to be better about sharing things. There is nothing wrong with sharing some things....I think I'm going to try.

I'm 20 weeks pregnant. I feel like I've been pregnant forever with this one. I have always loved pregnancy, I have always felt good, beautiful, and excited. That hasn't necessarily been the case this time around. That doesn't mean that I'm not a good mother and that I'm doomed. I was so sick the first trimester, I hated when it was time to go to bed for the night because I knew I just had to get up the next day and do it all again - throw up, feel HoRriBlE, trying to keep the house picked up which was quite the chore for me, making sure Harry didn't have any accidents since he was potty training, entertaining Max and helping Bennett with school stuff when he got home from school. All of those things while being sick were so difficult and so mundane at the same time. On top of not feeling well, my skin has been crazy. I was breaking out like a 14 year old boy. I gained a TON of weight, and Marc was NEVER home. So the first 4 months equaled a pretty depressed momma. Its one thing to feel sick but then to feel ugly and fat and a single mom on top of that just plain sucks.

My belly is finally catching up with my butt so I look a bit more proportioned. I'm feeling a lot better, not looking too much better but I figured I'd take 2 out of the 4.
Now that I stopped throwing myself a pity party I've taken the time to examine my life at 29 and what the future will bring for little ole' me. Its interesting, at 20, I thought I would have so much more then I do now at 29. Not more as in worldly possessions necessarily but more wisdom, more compassion, more patience, more direction. I sometimes still feel like I'm 17 stuck in this crazy 29 year old body who has to care for 3 kids that I don't have a clue what I'm doing. Does anyone else feel like that? What I see is that everyone "looks" like they have it all under control. They "Look" happy, but are they?

Having three young kids, especially boys...especially my boys, is hard. I'm nervous about adding a fourth. I'm excited though at the same time. This will be our last, our family will be complete and that in itself is satisfying and sad.

I think I put a lot of pressure on myself as a mother, wife, teacher, person. I know what I should be doing in life and when I don't do those things I get frustrated with myself. Its like, "dah, you know what you should be doing so why aren't you doing it?" There have been many,many, many times lately where a situation will come up and I know what I should be feeling, logically I know how I should handle the situation or feeling but I can't do what it is I know I should do. I'm not sure if that even makes sense. Its like its out of my control. I logically know...but my heart doesn't yet. Soooo frustrating!

So now that none of this is making any sense I will move onto what it is I do know...both logically and in my heart. I know I have a patient, loving husband. He isn't like anyone I know - and I know some good guys. I believe in him as a person and a provider. He believes in me too. I know I have some of the sweetest most sensitive kids in the world. Max is amazing and he is so much overlooked by people, even by me sometimes. Max has so much concern for me and his brothers. Sure he'll fight will Harry all day show no physical signs of love but if Harris was in any trouble Max would be the first one there. Bennett is so smart and so loveable. He is a little difficult to understand or get because his emotions are all over the place. One minute he is 2 years old and the next he acts 12. I'm learning how to deal with him and some of his struggles. I've learned what taking the time to understand a child or problem can really do for your relationship. Harris is just a big bottle of sunshine. He wakes up happy, "morning mom!", and goes to sleep happy, "best friends mom". He is my sunshine when my life is rainy. I'm not sure what a typical mother or father is but I'm sure we don't fit in that category. Marc rough houses the boys all the time...he is not gentle but yet the boys knows how much he loves them. He takes them to work and takes the time to show them things....any thing. We are both very sarcastic and sometimes not the softest spoken people. But that again doesn't define us as parents.

These boys are my world. Everyday, I do what I do because I love them. I stay home, not because I'm lazy, not because I'm not educated, not because someone told me to but because I want to raise my children. I don't want them to be raised by someone else. I am their mother and I cannot consciously pass that responsibility onto someone else. I want to be here to help them when they are sad or confused. Call me greedy but I want to be the first one to see them take their first step, or first word, or see their smile as they run off the bus into your arms. Nothing can replace that, nothing. While I'm not the best mother in the world, there are so many things I can do better, I have good intentions and I love my kids with everything that I have. And I know that I will love this new baby with all that I have too. Crazy house and all, we will all love this little baby.